I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Drunk is not a location!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
