Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Text me some of your sweat
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