Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Welp...herpes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
