You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
