Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
