I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's shark week go big or go home
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
