Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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