and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
