dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
