the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
