I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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