how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
