***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
