So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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