Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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