Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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