WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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