he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
