I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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