brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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