in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
