You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
