when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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