the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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