We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize