Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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