K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
