I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
