dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize