drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
