I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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