she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
