I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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