You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
