There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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