ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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