Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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