First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
