God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize