I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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