I puked a lego.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
