you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
