My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
