I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
