if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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