I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
