I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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