You just made me feel so damn special
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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