so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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