even my farts smell like vagina
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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