my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize