it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
