I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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