dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize