she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
