I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
