I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
