Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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